Emotional Shut-down

Emotional Shut-down

Out of service!!
Screams the department of emotions
We are closed indefinitely!!
Our owner said we were keeping her from thinking intelligently
Sorry we have been shut down
Permanently exiled to the far outer parts of town
Our owner said our department was no longer important, our relevancy had depleted. She told us pack up all of your stuff and make sure every file is deleted.

This department no longer exists. We jobless out this bitch!
We were too chaotic and worked on the wrong projects for too long.                                                      We didn’t bring results so we had to get gone
We are no longer servicing signals from the heart to the brain.

Our owner described as a monster she couldn’t tame
So she blocked us from every entrance pulled the blinds down on every window shut off all the lights she said this partnership was something she could no longer continue.
So here we are with no purpose, in a state of being invalid tossed out in the street just like a bad habit
On the outside looking in wondering when she’s gonna give us our jobs back when she’s gonna give in.

I suppose we’ll be here dormant in a deep slumber until then

Girl Interrupted

They always come at the least expected time, when everything’s calm, when I’m doing just fine

 

Then out of nowhere they creep up slowly without warning or sign

 

Before I know, their all rushing in, as I’m thinking to myself, NOT AGAIN

 

Next thing I know hell breaks loose within. I’m fighting another war I’m not sure I can win

 

No longer dormant, my world is turned upside down Constantly I’m going from a frown to a smile and from a smile to a frown.

 

Once again I’m an emotional roller-coaster, my least favorite ride.

In no way was I prepared for this emotional tide

One day I care, the next I’m over it, then I’m pretending like I don’t know where my feelings went

When all the while I know exactly where they are because they never  seem to drift too far

 

The next week I care; reminiscing my anger caves in I’m happy, sad, angry and different, just a few from the emotional army brigade that I constantly fight with

Fast forward a few weeks I’m calm, joyful, excited; fuel has been fed to the fire already ignited

Next month I have hope, then I’m hopeless with hope-filled thoughts.

Going back and forth through the many moments, ending up at distraught

I’m thinking of every convo detail of previous convos and of convos that haven’t happened             and may never will,  slightly torturing myself but diving in still

 

When the sun goes down I’m dreaming of memories past and memories I want to come.

It’s a comfort I suppose yet easier dreamt than done

 

I wake up and repeat the cycle, in no particular order again. Like Damn who told these emotions that they could come in. Inhabit my mind, my heart, bring a change of wind?

 

How dare they cause chaos in my peace filled mind?

They’re not welcome in here and another host they need to find

 

But until then up and down I go in this never ending emotional cycle.

My peace, my dormant heart, my view beyond what I feel has been obstructed

This is the chronicle of a girl interrupted.

Icarus

Icarus

So bright and glowing, I’ve dreamt about you my whole life

Close my eyes and envisioned how you’d feel every night

I’ve felt your warmth from far away but I long to be close to you

So bad that I’ll do whatever it takes to do time passes by and I perfect he idea of getting close to you as I psychically can

Do what has not been done been done by any other man

As I get closer to you, I’m lost in your beauty

Mesmerized by your shine, unaware of the harm you pose

I reach for you and at the same time I feel myself descend

Reaching desperately now, thinking this can’t be the end .

Falling aimsessly now not caring what happens to me.

Only smiling because for a short time I got a bask in your ever glowing glory

You melted my heart and also my wings and that moment was short lived, it stings.

The thing I longed for most was my very own demise but I only saw with my heart and not my eyes

Still falling, falling fast now

I land in the sea still staring up at my love in the sky as this becomes the eternal resting place for I.

 

By Alexis Pettway

“Sometimes the things we want the most bring us our deepest pain”AP

Live in the Moment

Live in the Moment

What happens after the moment?

When it’s done and a thing in the past? Are you glad that you came out with a story or upset because it didn’t last?
What happens after the moment?

Did you long for it to be more than a moment? Did you want that moment to create a series of endless moments?

What happens after the moment?

When the noise ceases and its quiet? Are you at peace or does it kill you to have silence?

What happens after the moment?

Do we cry tears of joy or that of pain? Are we forever different or does some part of us remain the same?

What happens after the moment?

Do we count our blessings or cut our losses?
What really happens after the moment?

When we reflect on what it meant. Are the feelings tortuous or heaven sent? Do we dwell on it for days, reminiscing, thinking about a bullet we dodged or something or someone we’re now missing?

What happens after the moment?

Do we take it as a lesson? Karma? A hard hit to reality?
Being in the moment gives tunnel vision yet we never want to come down off of it to fully see. Bliss is an addiction we all want to live in it, drown in it sea, become one with it
What happens after the moment?
DO we regret it? Do we fein for it so bad we close our eyes to remember so we won’t forget it?
What happens after the moment?

We pay no attention to that thought because “live in the moment” is what they say. We want our satisfaction and we want it now, we’ll deal with after the moment another day. That day comes, we’re thrown off our high, hit reality so hard we can’t even see the sky

What happens after the moment?

Are we satisfied with it? Do we go insane trying to get it back? Are we grateful that it’s over and our mind is back on track?
What happens after the moment?

Do we go on with life as if nothing happened? Do we store it in the deepest files of our mind so that somewhere in the future we can press rewind?
What happens after the moment?

When our minds are sober, do we look back at it as a curse or luck from a four leaf clover
Live in the moment is what they say But what happens after the moment?

What are you left with to carry away?

I am Love

I am Love

 

Snippet from my youtube page:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWIRuXJKYjA&feature=youtu.be

I am used and abused and mis-represented, I’m confused with infatuation and blamed for hearts dented.
I am said but not meant, people try to build me on sand rather than cement
I am not understood because I am often lost in the sea of misinterpretations pushed to the back of the mind in the midst of giving into temptation
I am spoken as leisurely as if I’m the word hi and even though I’m given up on, I never die.
When I’m real, I’m denied because I’m too good too be true, Excuse me I’m always real just waiting too be found and or recognized by you.
I am only to be weathered by the strong because I am hard work to reach, but am achievable and for many the journey’s too long.
Iam  not out to hurt but many people get hurt on the road of trying to find the real me, blinded by lust and overcome wit deciet
I feel like I’m n jail and an impersonation is roaming free, giving away only imitation and slandering the good name of me
My only voices are those few who’ve found me only not to be heard over the majority who have not, many of whom have been hurt and doors to their hearts have been locked.
It hurts me to see their pain and curse me for it and for a long time, I’ve hid n da shadows and bore it. But I’m tired of taking the blame, I wanna show the world that the journey to me is not in vain, that behind that closed door there’s no existence of pain; and YES I really do exist, Im far from a myth and once you’ve found that one you’ll be swallowed n my bliss
I am strong, harder to break than stone, I am something you can have forever, I am yours to own
I am deeper than the deepest sea, in your conscious and subconscious lies the drive of me
I am everything that can make you smile and can be felt by every man women and child
I am beautiful because I can overcome so much, I’ll still be felt even when you feel you’ve had enough.
For me, you can do the oddest things only because I’m the realest joy for human beings
For me you’ll cry some might even wish to die, I am the hardest thing to give up, especially when saying goodbye.
I am the best gift ever given, compassionate, unconditional and forgiving.
I am an emotion of sacrafice, a way of life and I will not hurt, whereas infatuation might
I was here before you and will be here after, I bring about knowledge, happiness, joy and laughter
I was born way beyond the clouds above, If you don’t already know

Hello I am Love

 

 

confession of Love

confession of Love

I wanna tell you how you make every nerve in my body come alive
I wanna show you how you are the means for my heart to survive

I WISH I could describe the beauty that emanates from your soul
and reflects through my eyes or the joy that consumes me, knowing you’re mine
I can try to explain the happiness you add to my life
How you are the first thought at sunrise and the last thought a night

I wanna tell you that the universe isn’t large enough to hold the love I have for you;
that,that love exists in everything I say and everything I do
I wanna attempt to explain the electricity that runs through me
at the mention of your name, how the highs you take me on are never the same

I wanna tell you that the sun and moon fail in comparison to your light
I wanna tel you that for you, I’ll always fight

I wanna explain how you bring something out of me, something I never knew to be real
I wonder if these words can even slightly explain how I feel

I wanna tell you how the love you give is timeless; that when I’m with you, no time exists

I wanna shout it from the mountain tops and let all of heaven and earth know this to be true.

With every heartbeat, every smile, from the depths of my soul, I LOVE YOU

By Alexis Pettway